The Duke of Devonshire, Balham

The Duke of Devonshire was once one of my favourite pubs in Balham � �was� being the operative word. I was unfortunate enough to go there yesterday to check out what they�d done to the place and my heart sank. It didn�t sink just a little bit but right through my boots, then down through the swimming pool changing room-style tiles now adorning the once traditional floor.

I was slightly concerned when I first heard they were planning a refurb as the Duke of Devonshire (I refuse to call it by its new name on principle) has long been one of my favourite pubs in Balham. While the tendency for other drinking establishments in the area has been towards the trendy and modern in recent years, the Duke always stood out as a good old boozer, somewhere relaxed and chilled out to while away the hours your mates.

If the aim of the refurb was to completely alienate its long-standing patrons and ruin one of the only true �pub� pubs in Balham, then 10 out of 10 to the designers as that�s exactly what they�ve done. I�m teetering on the edge of saying I�d rather go to the Moon Under Water than set foot in there again, and anyone who knows the pubs in Balham will understand just how bad that makes it.

As soon as we walked in the door we were pounced on by one of the �Devonshire Crew�, territorially guarding what used to be the open passageway down the side of the bar, demanding to know if we intended on eating and whether we had a booking. The last time I looked the Duke of Devonshire was a pub and, if I�m not much mistaken, pubs are made for drinking in. I don�t usually make a reservation when I pop into a pub for a drink and I certainly don�t expect to be apprehended and interrogated upon arrival. Apart from making me want to walk out straight away it meant I was unable to fully take in the horror of what my poor eyes were seeing. Come to think of it, maybe this was a tactical move on their part: cover up the fact they�ve utterly messed up by not allowing patrons to get a foot in the door.

So what have they ultimately done that makes the place so awful? I have no idea where to even begin. The wallpaper (that looks like New Covent Garden flower market was sick on it) would make even Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen blush; the flying saucer-style lights and centerpiece chandelier are an unwitting nod to the horror of late 70s/early 80s interior design (don�t even get me started on the chandeliers over the hot plate � did they think the glare of the 50 identical lights on one wall wouldn�t provide enough unnatural light?); the constant human roadblock and battle of wills as you attempt to move freely through the pub while �The Crew� try to seat you and force �14 main courses down your neck; the utter destruction of the garden (why why why why WHY would you hack down all the beautiful greenery and overfill the space with bargain basement garden furniture?)... I could go on but it�s making me too angry.

Essentially, the main problem it that the Duke wasn�t broken and they certainly ain�t fixed it. According to their new website, �this wonderful example of a proper Victorian pub with etched glass and an imposing front has been part of Young's since 1853 - but can be traced back as far as the 18th century". If a pub has a history like this, don�t mess with it, all it needed was a bit of a tidy up. Yes, it still has some of the etched glass and a few original features, but now they�re surrounded by stainless steel everything and more bulbs than the John Lewis lighting department, it just looks cheap. The entire place is one big eyesore which is exactly what my eyes would be had I followed my initial instinct of sticking pins in them when I saw the devastation.

The Duke of Devonshire clearly has no idea what it is trying to be now and even seems to be failing at this. Having been informed by one of the security guards � sorry � Devonshire Crew that we could only eat from the Mothers Day menu (the prices of which made a night at Le Gavroche seem cheap) we decided to head to the Clarence for lunch. I managed to ignore the overwhelming urge to knock over the display of over-sized glasses and champagne buckets (why?) on the way but I can�t promise it won�t happen again.

I, for one, will never be going back to Duke of Devonshire and I�d advise anyone who knew and loved it in its former glory days to do the same. The refurb has been a complete shambles and totally ruined what was once the finest pub around. Big mistake. HUGE.

3 Mar 2008 11:25