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Royal Standard, Colliers Wood

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user reviews of the Royal Standard, Colliers Wood

please note - reviews on this site are purely the opinion of site visitors, so don't take them too seriously.

This pub is disappointing to say the Least. The bar staff were rude and the place is dull and old and smells of unwashed people. The outside needs a good makeover as well as the garden. It cannot compete with the Charles Holden. The garden in the summer is full
Of ants and just so unattractive. Good luck Royal Standard. But I don't think you will be there much longer ..... My friends no longer go there as they feel the same
And one used to travel from borough. No more though.
Beeryesplease - 19 Dec 2015 20:41
Hallelujah praise the lord god Jesus Christ and all the little angels!

Just spent yet another great Sunday in the house of holy worship that is the Royale Standarde. Oh lovely boyo, the good lord in heaven above was smiling on up today, whilst gently strumming on that fat harp of his. Boyo from the valleys, what a day it's been.

Not only have they had yet another fresh delivery, but they had a best-of bang-o-rama, and even ping-pong-ting-tong turned up for a bit of a ding-dong and sing-song. Old ting tong ain't the same since she had to get the glass eyes fitted, but she stank to high heaven just like the old days. This afternoon has had the trouser bishop pleading with me to make it all stop.

Only thing to improve on this is if Tom Jones turns up next times. Oh lovely boyo.

Praise be, good will to all men (especially those from the valleys), and live long and prosper comrades.

Amen
Rev C P Bacon, with the slightly soiled long johns.

PS. It wasn't all good tho, MC 6-0 TH.

reverendchris - 24 Nov 2013 23:40
Evening fellow pervs. I hear there has been a fresh delivery at that lovely little rumpy-pumpy humping house, the royale standarde. And they are having a speed dating night. So I'm heading there right now to claim what is rightfully mine. Beer, whiskey, pork scratchings, And a fair helping of top grade snatch.! Yes, for tonight's little fandango festival, I have my weapons grade y-fronts on, and my decades old trusty rubber jonny (geronimo) firmly tucked in my top pocket. May the good lord forgive me for what I am about to receive. Eeeerghhh. Hopefully this one will be a hundred hail mary jobby. Eeeerghhh. Even cancelled a funeral service in the morning so it better be good. I'm hoping to be having my own stiff service right then. Eeeerghhh. My trouser bishop is looking up to the angels in the heavens above already. I don't think my sticky little love pumper can take much more, I better get down there.

Eeeerghhh.

Amen
Rev Chris.
reverendchris - 30 Oct 2013 18:37
Evening fellow pervs. I hear there has been a fresh delivery at that lovely little rumpy-pumpy humping house, the royale standarde. And they are having a speed dating night. So I'm heading there right now to claim what is rightfully mine. Beer, whiskey, pork scratchings, And a fair helping of top grade snatch.! Yes, for tonight's little fandango festival, I have my weapons grade y-fronts on, and my decades old trusty rubber jonny (geronimo) firmly tucked in my top pocket. May the good lord forgive me for what I am about to receive. Eeeerghhh. Hopefully this one will be a hundred hail mary jobby. Eeeerghhh. Even cancelled a funeral service in the morning so it better be good. I'm hoping to be having my own stiff service right then. Eeeerghhh. My trouser bishop is looking up to the angels in the heavens above already. I don't think my sticky little love pumper can take much more, I better get down there.

Eeeerghhh.

Amen
Rev Chris.
reverendchris - 30 Oct 2013 18:37
Praise be to the Good Lord God in the Heavens Above on this glorious Easter Sunday!

There has been a fresh delivery at the Legendary Royal Standard!

We're all going to the zoo tomorrow! And we will drink away now there is a fresh delivery!

And Tottenham Hotspur Rocks! Come on you legends!!!

Amen!
Reverend Chris P Bacon

reverendchris - 31 Mar 2013 18:51
Just returned to this place for the first time in over a year. I were a bit mental when I posted them earlier comments by the way. On the worng drugs at the time.

Anyway. It's a hovel. But it's my kind of hovel. Is niceeeee. It hasn't changed.

Was chatting to one chap in there. He had six nipples. Nice chap though. Local I think.

Aside from that very little to tell about this place. Is niceeeee. Don't expect I'll be back in there in the next year though.

Is niceeeee.
mad_john - 18 Jan 2011 08:07
good afternoon my decent fellowkind. one would just beg to interrupt you for a minute to ensure you are briefed on a fine return visit to the wonderful Royal Standarde.

my faithful companion Bertie and I decided yesterday, a fine autumn Wednesday afternoon, that it was time we were due to pay a visit to the sailor's favourite pub.

in we went to speak to the delightful burly chaps who we had spent many an afternoon with in the past. Although it is disappointing that the Royale Standarde does not cater for us hungry munchers, a couple of the burly sailor chaps helped out my Bertie when he was feeling most Peckish. Indeed, on my Bertie talking of his need for food, two of the burly sailor chaps didn't take Bertie for any old food; they were so kind that they took my Bertie out to the back garden for a spit roast.

My Bertie returned indoors a good 15 minutes later looking somewhat flustered. My Bertie did say he had never seen so much meat in his life. Indeed, the silly sausage still had mayonnaise around his lips! My Bertie must have been hungry.

My Bertie has stressed to me ever since that whenever he is feeling like getting his mouth around a nice joint of meat he will be paying a return visit to the Royale Standarde.
clarissa_delbonbon - 24 Sep 2009 13:13
laydees! lords! lads! lasses!

a-hump-a-diddly-pump-pump! a rump-a-diddly-pump!

another fine evening spent in the old battleship that is the royal standard last night and boyo, what a night! the place was bangin', heavin', wall-to-wall, trousers-round-yer-ankles, frothy-gash, turnin-japanese totty!!! my poor little pumper were pleasing with my eyes for it to stop!

i ended up with a pint in one hand and me little treacle fountain in the other.

Everyone thought i was wierd.

a-rumpit-pumpit-rumpit-pumpit-rumpit-pumpit-SPLOSH!!!!!!


reverendchris - 14 Aug 2009 10:27
good afternoon my fine fellow people. one would just like to interrupt you for a second to ensure you are fully briefed on a fine couple of afternoons spent in this luxurious establishment.

my companion Bertie and I were passing through the local manner of Royal Colliers Wood one afternoon last week and we stumbled upon this lovel gentleman's abode.

in we went for an afternoon or witty banter and intelligent debate.... fuelled by a positive quaffing of fine wine and real ale.

Bertie and i especially enjoyed the companionship of many of the colourful and vibrant local peasants we met during our pleasant afternoon. one chap in particular reminded me of one of my previous gamekeepers on my estate back in the home counties.

most excellent beverages were served, most polite staff, and Bertie especially enjoyed the arm wrestling contest with the burly Sailor chaps on the round the other side of the bar. The chaps were so kind to Bertie that they even took him to the bathroom to polish his helmet (which is strange as I'm sure he had left his helmet at home thinking about it). Bertie has been very excited about the place ever since and has reported that his helmet has been gleaming ever since. Indeed, my Bertie says that he did indeed pay further visits after our excellent afternoon last week, and he says that the big Sailor chaps not only gave his helmet a polish, but they also kindly oiled his tubing. Bertie was amazed and said that he had never seen so many Seamen in all his life.

I think Bertie and I will be spending many an evening down the Royal Standard.
clarissa_delbonbon - 18 Jul 2009 15:15
holy moses and the good lady mary magdalene. i swear i saw jesus in here last night.

a great little boozer. the totty is quite spectacular (in the back garden there was a mirkin swap meet happening for all the ladies last night - I managed to grab a stars and stripes mirkin for the missus - every time i shag her now i'll be thinking "only in america"!!!)

kind of a disco thing going down with some fellas at one side of the bar. frankie s comes on the jukebox and all hell breaks loose. one fella started taking his clothes off.

if you, my dear, dear friend, happen to be shaking your booty down this side of the tracks then
(1) go for a shit, it'll stop your arse from shaking
(2) pop into this gaff and give it all you've got
bumhole_daddy - 11 Jul 2009 11:10
well, between splitting me trousers and splitting me time between here, GJs and the tup, i'm splitting me difference.

gawd what a legendery street of pubs. with them three, its like a 24 hour party city central.

just off down the standard for a nice long afternoon session. the fun times never end, perverts.

its a knicker and bra fandango festival down there. sniff sniff sniffity sniff.
mad_john - 8 Jun 2009 11:26
well me laydees and lords, i was there on sunday lunchtime. and they brought a whole new meaning to the phrase "sunday roast".

my god it was a filth-o-rama. there were knickers all over the floor.
reverendchris - 27 Apr 2009 12:14
good lord god Jesus christ and the archangel Gabriel. I'm shocked.

I was in there last night and they now have a "botty totty bang-o-Rama" on a Thursday. When the fella behind the bar rings his bell, all the girls have to find the fattest bloke they can, run to him, and wiggle their bare bum cheeks.

Looking at some of the big lads in there there's some "stiff" competition I can tell you.

Got me stiff as a board anyway.

My trouser bishop has been praising the lord in the heavens above all morning.

Praise be and live long and prosper,

Amen.
Rev c.
reverendchris - 24 Apr 2009 17:37
hallo peeps! mad john here.

i must take umbrance to reverend chris. he is not mad john, i am. and i do not run a kebab shop. for your information, it is a turkish take out restaurant.

reverend, please do not post any thing else trying to make people think you are me.

anyway, hopefully the standard will be selling my turkish delights over the bar soon. i'm trying to tie up an exclusivity deal with the moustachio-ed owner.

mad_john - 17 Jan 2009 14:31
hallo peeps! mad john from the local kebab shop here.

just spent another fine evening in the wonderful standard and i feel that i must write to tell you about it.

it was luxury. absolute paradise. the lass behind the bad insisted on buying me beers all night long. not only that, but the owner inisisted on wiggling his moustache to the shimes on the clock on the hour. gawd you should have seen him by midnight. twitching all awa the place her was.

anyway, must get on. i've got some barstaff to letch over.
reverendchris - 12 Jan 2009 11:21
hallo peeps! mad john here.

well what can i say. just had a few early monday jars down the legendary royale-standarde and i must report that things are better than ever.

they are now having an "early risers" monday afternoon special. some bird from tooting called ping-pong-ting-tong spreads 'em wide on the end of the bar and if you can bat the ping pong ball that she fires from her gaper through a hoop then you get free beers for the rest of the day. everyone gets a go. its a hoot i tell you.

and afterwards, everyone gets a go on ping-pong-ting-tong. she may be a bit rough and stinky, but ey, this is monday afternoon after all and beggars can't be choosers.

a word of worning though. make sure you take your own ping-pong paddle.


mad_john - 29 Dec 2008 15:13
Give thanks and praise to the Good Lord in the heaven above!

There's been a frest delivery at the Royal Standard!!!

Heaven's above we salute you!

Amen
Reverent Chris P Bacon
reverendchris - 25 Nov 2008 17:10
Sunday is Nipple night. What a treat. I used to go to the Griffin in Clerkenwell to see some top grade snatch, but now I find my requirements are fullfilled in sunny Colliers wood.

Tip: Say your hands have stopped working and let the girls behind the bar 'fumble for your change'. I'm thinking of cutting a hole in my pocket.
gusdiamond - 9 Nov 2008 17:42
I broadly concur with Mr Diamond, although I have found that if you leave a bag of salt and vinegar crisps on your lap during "Snail Trail" night, they somehow change to prawn cocktail flavour. It's as magic as everything else about this boozer!
lungpuppy - 5 Nov 2008 22:10
Went to last nights 'Red-Snapper' theme evening at the Royal Standard and feel I have cause for complaint.

If at least two of the bar staff have completely shaven 'mutts' then there is no red and just snapper. Perhaps the evenings theme name needs re-thinking or perhaps some Scottish merkins are in order just for Tuesdays? I would be happy to supply them and look after them during the rest of the week.

Tip: the salt'n'vinegar crisps are on the lowest shelf right at the back. This requires the greatest effort to reach by the barstaff and thereby provides the most 'rewarding' of sights. I can't possibly eat the amount of crisps I have been buying, so I will be leaving a pile on the tressle tables outside at closing time. These will be available on a help yourself first come first serve basis.
gusdiamond - 5 Nov 2008 11:28
I've heard things, bad things, but whenever I've been in there I've always managed a fairly chilled out couple of beers.

6 on 10
Stout - 4 Sep 2008 17:53
Buy your own beers you tight git.
giveusabeer - 9 Aug 2008 16:41
Absolutely fantastic place for a few jars. I've been drinking in here for 4 years now and got to know all the regulars. Although they may seem rough around the edges they're a lovely bunch. Some of them look like sitcom characters. Think Last of the Summer Wine - Compo, Clegg and Foggy.

Friendly barstaff, prices not too expensive, late beers on a Friday and Saturday... what more could you want in a local?!
thebaldcaptain - 15 May 2008 18:27
Bit of a tired looking pub and I decided only to stay for a quick half. Seems fairly well run with efficient staff and what appeared to be the guvínor keeping an eye on things.

Millay - 11 May 2008 19:59
I came in for a drink after work with my housemate, we were both in suits and began to be heckled almost immediatly.
"Go back to Borehamwood!!" They cried. "This is ColliersWood!"
In the summer all tatoo'd up pikeys sit out front with their track suited, pot bellied infants tottering about in the gutter.
It needs to go for the sake of the neighbourhood...
Headhunter13 - 18 Feb 2008 14:03
I don't know which Standard all the other reviewers have been but it's certainly not this one! It's not "grotty", there's no "skinhead" locals sitting outside at all times, the guy at the bar is not "weird" (none of the staff are!), the patrons are not "unwelcoming" and it's not unpleasant.

Since the re-fit it's much better, granted, but it wasn't as bad as everybody makes it out to be. I've been going there for ten years now and have never experienced anything like the other reviewers described.

Basically yes, there are other pubs near the tube station like The Tup and Gj's and they're fine if you want to pay through the nose and shout on the top of your voice over the Dj's and the taped music played at ludicrous volume.

The Royal Standard is what you might call "an old man pub", it's not hip & trendy, they do not do food and kids are banned (hurray!) but if you want to have a quiet pint and a chat or watch a game or a race on the various tv's hanging on the walls, it's perfect. The huge garden has a covered area with plenty of seats, a telly and heaters for smokers as well.

And by the by I'm female and go there with female friends.
anonymous - 28 Sep 2007 13:50
Seems mostly Polish now. This is a great improvemnet on what it was. Still a grotty pub, but the clientele aren't nearly as bad as before.
Loki - 2 Aug 2007 15:56
i braved it to pop in here having read the comments.

yes it was skanky as hell but the locals bite is worse than their bark, so to speak.

i have been to worse non white trash places ( like a squat party in clapton, east london once with street people and gypsies and .. you dont want to know ! ..after the most booze i have ever consumed ) so this was relatively mild.

and yes , i wont be going back there again !!

its a shame as its in a good position and judging by the tup they could do much much better business !
petey.p - 3 Jul 2007 16:51
I've been in once or twice, and don't see the need to ever go back in again. Not unless every other pub in Colliers Wood closed, and all the off-licences as well.
Loki - 9 Mar 2007 17:06
I haven't even plucked up the courage to attempt to pass the tattooed, lager-swilling skin-heads outside, so canít say much about that weird guy at the bar.

I have really gone in there, so I know this is a rather unpleasant place with poor beer.

The patrons are not the most welcoming bunch. There are a fair few tattooed, lager-swilling skin-heads around.

Basically, the Standard is where these people go before they have kids, after which, they cross the road to the Kiss Me Hardy, bringing the family with them.

Avoid both places.
anonymous - 30 Jun 2006 13:11
You used to be able to get real Greene King in here but since the refurb' it's all keg. Shame because in most other respects it's a good local boozer.
Skulevard - 2 Apr 2006 23:16
The boyfriend and I ventured down here a few Sundays ago to watch the footie. I was pleasantly surprised. Everyone was warm and friendly. They were handing out free bar snacks and the beer was great. Have been back a few times since and it's just as great. If you want a 'proper pub' with nice food and a good atmosphere then go to the Standard.
rinky - 28 Mar 2006 13:56
Good do with a refit! I was originally over the moon to find Abbot Ale in Colliers Wood, however 2 pints later discovered they don't know how to keep beer - it was awful. Shame....it's in aprime location opposite the tube and should and could be so much better....
Flawed - 22 Dec 2005 11:11
SHOULD SORT OUT A NO SMOKING POLICY NOW THAT IS BURNT OUT!!
PJD - 30 Mar 2005 22:27
Not sure about the inside but shabby looking pub - bit of an eye soar just outside the tube. Lick of paint and get rid of the rubbish and they will double takings overnight.
Collierswood_rules - 28 Jan 2005 17:38
Nothing wrong with the pub. Been drinking in there for years now.good for watching horse racing/football.
d - 15 Nov 2004 14:02
Not a bad pub - the bitter is badly kept (Abbot) but Guiness not bad. Good place to watch the footie, jukebox okay, atmosphere not the friendliest but they don't hassle you.
steve - 5 May 2004 15:57
Great a Greene King pub in Colliers Wood. Ordered 2 pints of Abbot from Swedish barmaid. Cancelled quickly - has anyone else seen Abbot on keg - and left
lout_from_the_lane - 31 Dec 2003 11:50

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